Pictoral Review by Lono

You ever wonder how the hell Master Chief can jump so friggin high in all that armor? Ever wonder how the hell Marcus Fenix can walk with boots the size of Rosie O’Donnell’s head strapped to his feet? Well today, I’m gonna take a hard journalistic look at the world of video game armor, but with pictures! Yay! (click the photos as we go to enlarge them.)

First up, everyone’s favorite: Master Chief from the Halo series.

I know that he’s supposed to be some type of genetically modified person, or whatever, but why do I get the feeling that instead of killing Covenant soldiers, he’d rather be riding in a Motocross race?

Look familiar?

Is that why they put the mongoose in halo 3? Did Master Chief insist that it be in there as part of his return for the third game? I guess we’ll never know…

Vroom, Vroom Master Chief….vroom vroom…

What about guys in video games that wear gigantic armor, but no helmet?

Whoops! I guess looking cool is waaay better than staying alive. Headshot anyone? By the way, how the hell do these guys fire a lancer without a stock attached? Ahhh… the magic of video games. Oh and I guess they don’t do much running in the future with the shit-kickers they’re wearing. Their armor is massive! In the future, you’ll have to take more steroids than Barry Bonds (allegedly!) to wear this stuff…

Oh, and you’ve got to be seven feet tall too.

And you can’t wear a helmet.

You actually see this a lot in video games, here are a few of the more ridonculous examples:

…and more famously: Gordon Freeman from Half Life.

…yes Gordon, keep the crowbar in the picture. Yes, yes it does make you look badass…. No, no, keep the glasses, they don’t make you look nerdy at all….. Perfect!

The craziness doesn’t end there. We’ve all seen this famous video game vixen:

What’s with the shoulder pads? I know they were all the rage when the game first came out in the 80’s, but WTF it’s 2007. Get with the times.

Oh yeah, and the “gun hand” went out of style with this douche:

Don’t even get me started on Megaman…

As newer games hit the consoles this fall, the armor seems to get even more ridiculous. Check out these guys from the PS3 game Haze :

Wanna hide from your enemies? Why not wear a Neon Yellow Visor??? I’m sure that won’t stick out like a sore thumb… Ah well, at least they’re wearing helmets… Bright Yellow helmets. Maybe that’s what Marcus Fenix’s helmet looked like. Maybe he saw that bright yellow crap and said, aw forget that…

Finally, I just finished Bioshock and I couldn’t get over the Big Daddies’ armor configurations. Check this one out:
Um, next time, instead of a drill, why not pick up a machine gun, they’re lying around everywhere… trust me. Oh and while you’re at it, why not put the toddler down before you attack someone? Just a suggestion.

Of the two, it seems like he actually has a leg up on this other Big Daddy.
Say bye bye to your perhiperal vision in this get up. One eye-hole looking straight forward??? All you have to do to beat this guy just run to the right. Or left. He’ll never find you…

So where does that leave us? Well, it seems like if you want to be some big hero, you’ll have to be: Seven feet tall, ‘roided to the gills, love shoulder pads and motorcross and have no use for perhiperal vision…

Being a hero in these games isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sadly, it appears that these “hero” traits may hamper you in the bedroom, IF you can even find a mate in your post apocalypitc world…

Thank goodness for real life.

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